I dislike complaining about things because I always have this profound sense of guilt after complaining. I feel that it would perhaps be better to just accept the problems that I want to complain about and get on with life. But if you just accept the problems, the problems are never challenged and so they never go away.
What I wish to complain about now may never go away, because it's a characteristic that seems to be built into us, and I suppose some people would argue it's a necessity for us to possess this trait if we wish to survive. By saying that I dislike complaining, it could appear to others that I wish to prevent anyone viewing me as a whiner, and I have gone about this by associating my contempt for complaining to some other reason. Furthermore, people could see my analysis of other people's opinions of my complaining as further evidence of my insane attention to detail involving the considerations of others, and thus further accuse me of undue attempts to foresee and manipulate the opinions of others so as not to be considered a whiner.
What am I and will continue to be identifying here? I am identifying this unique ability of ours to try and see into the minds of others by their actions and their words. But it is not this that I wish to complain about. I find foresight to be an admirable thing. It takes incredible awareness of oneself and others around to conclude the future before it happens, or rather, before it escapes the mental realms of those around you. What I wish to complain about is vanity.
Why do we care so damn much about how we are perceived by others? Lets take this as two arguments because how we are perceived mentally is quite different from how we are perceived physically. My current problem lies with the physical aspect, although I don't doubt that I'll eventually be irritated enough by mental vanity to wish to write about it.
"I'm so fat. I need to lose weight", "My nose is horrible. I'm thinking of getting cosmetic surgery when I'm older." and "Is this picture ok?" are phrases I have been the victim of hearing, and all of them have annoyed me. If it were unreasonable annoyance, I wouldn't write about this because it would be unreasonable. In this instance, I am not concerned about whether everyone else thinks it is reasonable to moan about it, I am judging myself and asking whether it is reasonable to moan about it. Some people may consider silently exclaiming to themselves, "Yeah Tom, keep thinking that. It's so obvious you've only said that to try and manipulate our opinions into agreeing that it's reasonable to moan about it." In all honesty, I expect it, but I don't let it affect what I say and do. Take it to be manipulation if you wish. I know it's not, and that's all I need to know.
What is it that makes people so concerned about their appearance? Before I even consider answering this, I'm sure someone already is thinking "Oh you can't understand. You're just a different person." or "You're as guilty of this as anyone else." or "Some people have poor self-esteem and it's not their fault". To be fair and not simply show I'm aware of the negative approach of others, I'm sure some others are thinking about the question and some are waiting eagerly to hear what I have to say. This is actually quite interesting because as you can see, I'm trying to anticipate reactions before they occur. What do I base my guesses on? Experience and logic. I always enjoy it when someone gives me a response that I don't see coming, assuming it is a coherent response and is well thought out, rather than random babbling and placing a fairy on my shoulder. I guess given that I just wrote about it, I accept the possibility of random babbling and a fairy being placed on my shoulder, but in all honesty, I really don't expect it to happen. Probability dictates that unless someone merely wishes to fulfil my uncommitted prophecy, it is unlikely that anyone shall place a fairy on my shoulder. I don't deny the random babbling; that's more than likely :)
I've been told more often that not that I'm too analytical of others. No one has ever said why, only that they find it discomforting, and no one has ever said why they've found it discomforting. Bit of a bugger really because if no one can tell me why, I can't do anything about it. If I were concerned about the opinions of others, I'd cease my analyses as rapidly as I could. I don't want people to think negatively of me. However, I'm not exercising any vanity and the only reason I'd stop analysing others is to stop giving them undue comfort. Although saying that, I find the discomfort interesting because I call it undue, but for all I know, it's self-inflicted based on some fantastic desire to have privacy, and feeling unsafe having their deepest thoughts perused by someone else. Well if anyone can give me a good reason to not look into people so much, I'd be more than happy to hear it.
But enough apparent defence of myself. Quite a few people will take the content of this post to be proof enough of some kind of defence against being vain. Who knows? You might be right. But regardless of what you think, lets get onto this physical vanity (a lot of what I've said is related to mental vanity).
Bigorexia and anorexia are two psychological disorders that revolve around the concern of the individual about their appearance to others. It's a bit like one peacock being jealous of another peacock because the other peacock's feathers are more colourful, thus making it apparently more attractive to females. Bigorexia is not associated with men for a sexist reason. Perhaps the reason it is more thought of as a male problem is because society still dictates that men are the hunters (physically at least), while women are there to look pretty (again physically).
You're watching TV (oh no, he's linked it to TV) and you see a muscly man surrounded by gorgeous women. Instinctively your brain and your body are saying, "wow, I'd really love to be him. Being surrounded by gorgeous women is a great life." It's not necessarily wrong; it's instinctive. We're meant to be attracted to the opposite sex, or rather, we're meant to be attracted sexually to someone or something. Preferably you should be attracted to the opposite sex because otherwise you can wave goodbye to the gene pool. But if you're a man who likes other men and you don't care about your 23 pairs of chromosomes going on, and you're not accepting other methods of conception, then who cares about preference. I'd love a religious debate on homosexuality, but lets not have one right now. Lets just take the point that if you're sexually attracted (or even just attracted) to someone or something, you attempt to follow a strict code that you observe arouses excitement and "liking" from that someone or something.
So going back to seeing this muscle man. Lets just say for this example, you're straight (P.C. can take a hike) and you're a man. Your natural tendency is towards females. Part of your brain (I believe the limbic system), leads you to "want" women. So this is a challenge. Your goal is to get women. How do you achieve that? Well you could go for trial and error, but why not learn from your predecessors? Look at that muscle man, he's surrounded by women (alright, so they're not the brightest specimens, but they look good). What does he have that's noticeable (because simple analysis is sooo much easier than complex analysis. The lazy man's way to get an idea of the world)? He has muscles! Right, well if I want women (2+2=4 mentality), I need muscles too! And so you end up with this association between happiness and muscles.
Your goal is women. Your happiness comes from attaining your goal (or so you believe). Muscles help you attain your goal. Therefore, happiness comes from getting muscles. And so bigorexia occurs. Call that a harsh, over-simplified analysis if you will. Simplicity is not always indicative of laziness.
When I say "get women", I mean get the approval of women. Lets then take anorexia. A woman, ignoring the other cases of lesbianism and other tangents, naturally is attracted to men. Lets take the same scene. Stereotypical hot man is surrounded by stereotypical hot women. Look at those women. Big boobs and really thin. That guy has muscles, he's pretty hot. I wish I had a guy like that standing next to me. I clearly need big boobs and must be really thin. Cosmetic surgery for breasts happens A LOT! But I'm only considering anorexia.
So the same happens. Their goal is men. Their happiness comes from achieving that goal. Being thin helps them attain their goal. Therefore being thin makes them happy. And that's anorexia in a nutshell. It is the belief that being thin is going to make you be accepted, and thus bring you happiness.
That's us. So many of us are wrapped up in that kind of mentality. It may not be bigorexia or anorexia, but other things like breast size, or penis length, or whatever. We care so damn much about what people see when they look at us, and yet we forget that the real reason we should be thin is so that we don't have a cardiac arrest, or high blood pressure, or increased risk of bowel cancer. And even then, if you don't care about the consequences, you don't HAVE to be thin. A lot of people are silly and just act as if they don't care, then when they're laying on their death bed, have an "oh shit" moment and realise they've been a bit stupid, but it's a bit too late to turn back then.
I am having the greatest difficulty persuading someone that they should quit worrying about their size (and it's not necessarily weight, it's about looking thin). I won't conceal it, it definitely plays a part in inspiring me to write this post. The person is convinced that not eating and losing a few pounds will make them feel better. Given their situation in life, I do pity them because they could do with all the happiness they can get. But happiness should not come from starving yourself to get the approval of others. Two things perplex me though. Firstly, THEY ARE THIN!!! I know what thin is, believe me. I am grossly underweight, and I weigh a stone more than I used to! But it would perplex me, because only anorexics see the fat. Secondly, the person, upon receiving the approval of boys complains about it. I am having to restrain myself because I could write another thousand words in reference to the absurdity of this mentality, but that is entering the realms of mental vanity, and I don't wish to go there just yet.
I'm not sure what it is that I feel. Irritation? Despair? All I know is that a part of me really dislikes the transparency of our attitude towards others on a physical level. It is to be understood and accepted, yes. It is instinctive and I don't dispute that. I encourage us to understand and embrace our instincts. But people don't understand their instincts. They are controlled by them without any kind of awareness. It almost sounds like a conspiracy theory; the ultimate manipulation. We accept that we view people with a certain degree of prejudice, but we do not reflect upon it, and as such it goes unchecked.
Laughing at people with disabilities because it makes you feel better, worrying about whether your bum looks big, wishing to jump off a bridge because you got a zit on prom night; all of it is so petty and wrong. It's natural to be concerned, but you don't even know why you're concerned. You don't think about it, you just worry about it. And in the case of disabled people, you're laughing and feeling joy because they're worse off than you! That's a terrible thing. We're so relaxed about vanity. So what if it works? It's almost silly to care so much about your physical appearance. It certainly doesn't do those with bigorexia or anorexia any good.
Just a final thought: Do you even realise that all of your judgements about how we look aren't really your own? You've been brought up with them and you've probably never even challenged them. You've probably never tried to see the beauty of everyone. Fat or thin, big or small, unafflicted or retarded (and it's used in the correct context, so nobody even dare try to moan about it being P.I.), we are all amazingly beautiful. It is just that we are not all "sexually beautiful" as we have been brought up to judge by. Try to detach this stigma from telling someone that they're beautiful. You don't have to mean, "I want to shag you" when you say it, just that you recognise that that someone is a wonderful being.
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8 comments:
Naturally, I agree with the gist of everything you say.
I would add, though, that you seem to treat anorexia as a purely social problem. I would suggest that you are careful not even to appear that you're being stereotypical. not all anorexics are vain, flightly young females. I know one case where it - and a host of other psychological problems - have split husband and wife. And he was the anorexic one.
Mostly though, I cannot really think of much to add.
'I agree'.
P
I take your point Phil, and I apologise for appearing to associate each problem to one gender solely, and thus commit its causes purely to vanity. I accept that women can be bigorexic and men anorexic, and I also accept that the causes are not always attributed to vanity.
Thanks for bringing it up.
I can understand what you are saying and where you are coming from, and i think part of the problem is "shepherdism" (yes chris has made up a new word). I know many people who are pritty intelligent yet want to change the way they look. However, this does not have to come from vanity. I myself decided to slim down purely because I felt better when I was thinner. This was not a "oooo i look good", vain sort of better, but purely an emotion bought about by being able to jog up the stairs without getting breathless, or finding it easier to get out of bed etc. and i wasn't even that fat in the first place!
Many people adopt this attitude, and in becoming happier, people become confident and thus may more actively seek a partner since things are going well in life (this may seem odd, but think of it in reverse: you do not tend to look for a partner if your miserable..). Naturally, the more often you look to find a partner, the more likely you are to find one.
This results in people who feel happy about themselves finding love etc with another. But, (and this is where the "shepherdism" comes in) outsiders may look upon it, simply as "they look good, thats why they have a partner". This is an over simplified view! Since if you strive for fitness to gain others, you will work your body (and possibly mind) until the other sex seems attracted to you. The difference here is, this takes much longer, since you are not actively searching. This causes people to work to much, and be almost "fitter than need be". And these fitter people are then seen by other outsiders and the cycle continues.
PS: I do not believe any of what I just wrote due to experience, but the logic seemed to fit which is why I wrote it, to see how many people finished reading it with the view it was meaningful and easily a possibility. Although there is SOME truth in it, I hope anyone who did read it will realise that people are not logical, and no amount of analysing of life will cause you to understand it. You have to experience it, then comment latter. I hope noone here is arrogant enough to think at the tender age of 17/18 (the SHSB audience anyway) has actually experienced life? Thats why only old men should be cynical
PPS: If on the other hand you have only written this sort of blog to collect your current thoughts on what you HAVE experienced, then none of the above applies. But unfortunately I doubt many here do take that view (and yes I know that in itself is a rather arrogant and presumptious view).
I may have misundertsood Tom, but do you not rather assume in your post (in parts) that seeking the attraction of the oppostie sex is a bad thing? I am not expressing any judgement myself, but really that's one of the most basic and functional human desires that there is.
Anyway, from my point of view, I've found that being (from the normally-accepted point of view which you talk about in your conclusion) about as attractive as Anne Widdecome fairly helpful. This whole area of flirtation and competition for attention has never been much of an issue fo me, so I've been able to focus my efforts elsewhere and, I feel, emerge with a rather richer character.
I never knew you were interested in Anne Widecombe, Francis :P
I'm going to have to say you've misunderstood Francis, which I suppose reflects on my writing. I said time and time again throughout that I accept it and agree that it is a part of who we are and that we should understand and explore it.
My issue lies with the apparent lack of understanding of this "necessity". People seem to merely accept that we are to judge one another by our looks. And I again must stress that I believe that is necessary and should be accepted. BUT I believe that undue attention is given to judging others by this standard.
Ah right, I see - thanks for clarifying.
FINALLY - I can get on the comment page - been trying for days...
Firstly, I must be vain myself as I've had a, ahem, radical haircut - it's short! (pic on my blog)
Generally, apart from my own rather self-indulgent bursts of vanity, I can't stand it. Although, I have a theory that it may just be inbuilt (bigorexia especially) - we do the same as peacocks, essentially.
Glossy magazines do not help the situation - why should we care what celebrity X is wearing or if they've lost weight, etc? Do people seriously get an inferiority complex if they're not wearing the right label?
Example - I bought some new shoes recently because I liked them, and people have complimented them maybe not because of what they are but what brand they percieve them to be (they think they're Vans, they're actually rip-offs that cost all of £6). Also the other day some person came up to my sister and asked were who made her shoes...surely if you want them a more fundamental question would be where did you buy them?
I have only ever bought 'labels' if they were cheap or genuinely better quality than a similar product.
[I expect I've probably worded some of that wrong and duly expect any backlash if this is the case]
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